Words and Phrases

• "It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out."
• Courteous Postal Workers: A. Always have stamps on hand. B. Are kind, courteous, and patient with customers. C. Save the last bullet for themselves.
• And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?

• If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
• Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Why so they report power outages on TV?
• I love cats...they taste just like chicken
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
• The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
• 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
• I love animals, they taste great.
• EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
• Assassins do it from behind.
• Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
• There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
• Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
• I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

OXYMORONS

• Act naturally
• Almost exactly
• Alone together
• Butt head
• Childproof
• Christian Scientists
• Clearly misunderstood
• Computer jock
• Computer security
• Definite maybe
• Exact estimate
• Found missing
• Genuine imitation
• Good grief
• Government organization
• Legally drunk
• Living dead
• Microsoft Works
• Military intelligence
• New classic
• "Now, then ..."
• Passive aggression
• Peace force
• Plastic glasses
• Political science
• Pretty ugly
• Rap music
• Religious tolerance
• Resident alien
• Safe sex
• Same difference
• Sanitary landfill
• Silent scream
• Small crowd
• Soft rock
• Sweet sorrow
• Synthetic natural gas
• Taped live
• Terribly pleased
• "This page intentionally left blank"
• Tight slacks
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• Working vacation

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